Friday, June 01, 2012

A Personal Experience

Disclaimer:  This post may contain material that could be upsetting to some readers as it discusses my experience with a miscarriage.  There are many reasons I have decided to make this post, but I know that some people may not feel comfortable reading this encounter.

In January, I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying so we were super excited and after our first visit to the doctor, we made the official announcement to the world - i.e., Facebook post. I was full swing into stereotypical first trimester symptoms including extreme tiredness and heavy nausea. Everything was going as expected until our second visit to the doctor. 
During this routine visit, we got the bad news. First we couldn't find the heartbeat which then sent us to get an ultrasound. We struggled with the doctor as she didn't seem to be able to demonstrate any confidence in the matter, but ultimately, we knew the result - the baby had died. 

We did a second ultrasound the following day to verify the result with the tech.  The Husband and I both knew, but it was something I needed to see since I hadn't had any indications of something going wrong.  Once we got the final result, it was determined that the baby actually died a few days after our first doctor's visit.  By this point it was about 4 weeks after the fact and my body was not releasing the fetus - technical term is a missed miscarriage.  We talked to the doctor about our options: a D and C surgical procedure or a medication to force the miscarriage and pass it at home.  As I am not a fan of surgery unless absolutely necessary so we decided to do the at-home option on Friday night while The Wee One spent the night with family.

Tuesday night (the night we found out) was pretty rough.  Wednesday was kind of a fog.  Thursday we both went back to work.  Friday we sent The Wee One off and then went out to eat.  We had decided to cremate the remains so we went to find a vase and seal-able container.  The Husband ran to the store to get pain killers, juice, movies and pads to make sure we had things on hand to make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

Disclaimer: This next part may be graphic for some regarding the actual miscarriage.  I decided to include this because it was so helpful for me to be able to find some explanation of what was going to happen before I took the pills. 

Since we had decided to cremate the remains, I had to make sure I caught the discharge in something.  I had a small bucket and we had bought a ladle to use.  This is also something that is suggested by doctors to make sure you fully miscarried.  Once I took the medication it took about an hour for it to take affect.  Heavy cramping and pain in my lower back like I had when I started contractions with my first child started and I could tell it was time so I went to the restroom and set up my system to catch the discharge.  What they had told us to look for was a sac.  They said the fetus should be in the sac unless it had ruptured and then the fetus might be separate.  For me, the fetus was separate and came out first.  This will sound incredibly odd to some, but for me, this was a very peaceful moment.  I was able to see my child and say a little prayer before I placed the baby into the box we planned to use for the cremation.  The Husband chose not to look and I understand that.  The sac actually passed a little later.  I was extremely grateful as one of my friends who had experienced this situation had had horrible pain leading up to the passing.  Bleeding is expected and normal as long as it's not excessive.   

The morning was odd.  I had this expectation that I would be just devastated and not want to do anything.  It wasn't like for me though.  I woke up and had a relieved feeling - I think mostly because I knew that part was past me now.  Overall, emotionally I recovered quickly. 

I struggled for about 2-3 weeks, more with the fact that I wasn't down-in-the-dumps about the miscarriage than about the actual miscarriage itself.  Of course, I had moments of sadness about the situation, but ultimately, I knew that God was in control and that for reasons I may never know, now was not the time for me to have a baby.  I had people (a surprising number) telling me about their experiences and it made me feel awkward (and sometimes down-right bad) that I wasn't experiencing the same level of sadness that they had felt.  I started to wonder if something was wrong with me.  Was I just suppressing my emotions?  Did I lack a motherly instinct of some kind? 

Finally, I came to the realization that that's just me.  It's how I deal with things.  My emotions come out over things like Hallmark commercials or sappy songs.  The serious things in my life seem to affect me differently.  I will fret like crazy over something to come, but once it's happened and I can't do anything about it, I am okay letting it go.  I'm not saying this is good or bad.  It's just what works for me.  There is nothing wrong with this.  When dealing with something like this, whatever emotion you have, it's okay. 

Ultimately, I still feel blessed in my life.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me.  I have an adorable little girl who makes me laugh.  I have family and friends who are extremely precious to me.  I have a job that allows me be a professional and get to spend time with my child.  I have a good home.  God is good and He always takes care of me - even when I don't know how His plan is working.