I shared this link about social engineering last year on Facebook. I think it's important enough to share again. Like I said last year (and this author mentions as well), I don't feel everything has to be an everybody in event. But there is a difference in having a core group and being exclusive.
Growing up, I moved a lot...10 school moves in K-12. Each move meant breaking into new social groups. It was not always easy. I was a small and very quiet child. I was easily bullied and/or picked on because I struggled with some self-confidence issues. My family was not wealthy - actually there were times that were quite rough and I couldn't do a lot of things others could. These kinds of things don't make it easy to find a core group - I didn't actually find that group till college. I could have easily been the kid sitting by themselves...and at different points I was. However, ultimately I was fortunate because there was almost always at least 1 kid that would reach out and bring me into the circle. These were thoughtful souls who saw past their immediate self and made life better for others. Shocker here...it wasn't the parents who stepped in to make sure I was included. It was individual kids being kind.
That is not to say that parents were not involved (well maybe some weren't), but particularly as small children, it really was kid-to-kid interactions, not parent-lead. For better or worse, this changed as I got older. I remember some junior high moments (small school experience) where parents definitely made sure everyone was at least invited. But, I also remember some parents who were very blatantly exclusive. I have no problem with parents having only a few people to their home rather than a full class, but I remember a few specific times where parents would loudly talk about plans at pick up, in front of kids who were not invited. That is just insensitive and honestly rude.
J has friends...some closer than others. That's reality. It's okay for kids to learn the difference between a close friend and a friend. My prayer and hope is that my kids will find a core group that is supportive and loving, but that that very same group will be open and welcoming to others. I think parent involvement sometimes needs to happen. Children are still learning how to navigate life. Friendships are part of that and understanding how to act with our friends in positive ways, doesn't always come naturally. I try very hard to not solve all her problems for her, but I don't have any issue with talking about what is happening and helping her find solutions. Sometimes that means giving suggestions. Sometimes that is just sitting quietly while she processes what she should do. She is very tender-hearted about people getting along and she has shared with me how hard it is for her to be in the middle of friend arguments. She wants everyone to get along and feels some weird pressure to help make that happen. When that doesn't go well, she gets stressed about it and feels like she didn't do enough to help - so very me. We're both working on this concept. To let her navigate all that on her own is not fair. However, if I step in all the time and just take care of it for her, that won't help either.
This weekend, I let her have a "late-over". If you haven't heard of this idea, it's like a sleepover, except everyone goes home at the end of the evening. This was kind of an experiment and luckily it went well. For many reasons, most logistical, I limited her count. That meant some of her friends, whom she really does love, wouldn't get invited. That was hard for me to do, but there was no way I was having 9-10 girls in my house for 5-6 hours - not enough space, food, or sanity. It was hard for her to know she wouldn't get to invited all her friends. So what I did was tell my daughter that she didn't need to be broadcasting the event at school. I know they still discussed it, at times probably within ear shot of their friends who weren't invited, but I hope that was very limited. I reminded her several times that it wasn't a secret so she didn't have to hide it, but it wouldn't be very nice to talk about all the fun they were going to have while someone who wasn't going was listening. I hope she listened. I know she wouldn't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but like pretty much any kid, she gets excited and doesn't always think about who might be around to hear things.
All this is to say, there is sometimes a fine line between being inclusive and exclusive. I think talking realistically with kids about these issues is important. I have told my daughter that she will not get invited to everything in life and that is okay. She is reaching an age where she is able to pick her own friends instead of just playing with her parents' friends. There are good things about that, as well as many challenges. My prayer is that both of my kids remain open-hearted and are conscious of others. That they will be aware of others who may need to feel included and then actually make attempts to include them. I also pray they each have a best friend or two that can be "their person" because it makes like just that much better to have someone who gets you.
Life is sticky, but awesome. Here's hoping we are raising kind, happy, interesting people who will make it even more awesome. :)
