A Personal Experience

Disclaimer:  This post may contain material that could be upsetting to some readers as it discusses my experience with a miscarriage.  There are many reasons I have decided to make this post, but I know that some people may not feel comfortable reading this encounter.

In January, I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying so we were super excited and after our first visit to the doctor, we made the official announcement to the world - i.e., Facebook post. I was full swing into stereotypical first trimester symptoms including extreme tiredness and heavy nausea. Everything was going as expected until our second visit to the doctor. 

During this routine visit, we got the bad news. First we couldn't find the heartbeat which then sent us to get an ultrasound. We struggled with the doctor as she didn't seem to be able to demonstrate any confidence in the matter, but ultimately, we knew the result - the baby had died. 

We did a second ultrasound the following day to verify the result with the tech.  The Husband and I both knew, but it was something I needed to see since I hadn't had any indications of something going wrong.  Once we got the final result, it was determined that the baby actually died a few days after our first doctor's visit.  By this point it was about 4 weeks after the fact and my body was not releasing the fetus - technical term is a missed miscarriage.  We talked to the doctor about our options: a D and C surgical procedure or a medication to force the miscarriage and pass it at home.  As I am not a fan of surgery unless absolutely necessary so we decided to do the at-home option on Friday night while The Wee One spent the night with family.

Tuesday night (the night we found out) was pretty rough.  Wednesday was kind of a fog.  Thursday we both went back to work.  Friday we sent The Wee One off and then went out to eat.  We had decided to cremate the remains so we went to find a vase and seal-able container.  The Husband ran to the store to get pain killers, juice, movies and pads to make sure we had things on hand to make me feel as comfortable as possible. 

Disclaimer: This next part may be graphic for some regarding the actual miscarriage.  I decided to include this because it was so helpful for me to be able to find some explanation of what was going to happen before I took the pills. 

Since we had decided to cremate the remains, I had to make sure I caught the discharge in something.  I had a small bucket and we had bought a ladle to use.  This is also something that is suggested by doctors to make sure you fully miscarried.  Once I took the medication it took about an hour for it to take affect.  Heavy cramping and pain in my lower back like I had when I started contractions with my first child started and I could tell it was time so I went to the restroom and set up my system to catch the discharge.  What they had told us to look for was a sac.  They said the fetus should be in the sac unless it had ruptured and then the fetus might be separate.  For me, the fetus was separate and came out first.  This will sound incredibly odd to some, but for me, this was a very peaceful moment.  I was able to see my child and say a little prayer before I placed the baby into the box we planned to use for the cremation.  The Husband chose not to look and I understand that.  The sac actually passed a little later.  I was extremely grateful as one of my friends who had experienced this situation had had horrible pain leading up to the passing.  Bleeding is expected and normal as long as it's not excessive.   

The morning was odd.  I had this expectation that I would be just devastated and not want to do anything.  It wasn't like for me though.  I woke up and had a relieved feeling - I think mostly because I knew that part was past me now.  Overall, emotionally I recovered quickly. 

I struggled for about 2-3 weeks, more with the fact that I wasn't down-in-the-dumps about the miscarriage than about the actual miscarriage itself.  Of course, I had moments of sadness about the situation, but ultimately, I knew that God was in control and that for reasons I may never know, now was not the time for me to have a baby.  I had people (a surprising number) telling me about their experiences and it made me feel awkward (and sometimes down-right bad) that I wasn't experiencing the same level of sadness that they had felt.  I started to wonder if something was wrong with me.  Was I just suppressing my emotions?  Did I lack a motherly instinct of some kind? 

Finally, I came to the realization that that's just me.  It's how I deal with things.  My emotions come out over things like Hallmark commercials or sappy songs.  The serious things in my life seem to affect me differently.  I will fret like crazy over something to come, but once it's happened and I can't do anything about it, I am okay letting it go.  I'm not saying this is good or bad.  It's just what works for me.  There is nothing wrong with this.  When dealing with something like this, whatever emotion you have, it's okay. 

Ultimately, I still feel blessed in my life.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me.  I have an adorable little girl who makes me laugh.  I have family and friends who are extremely precious to me.  I have a job that allows me be a professional and get to spend time with my child.  I have a good home.  God is good and He always takes care of me - even when I don't know how His plan is working.

From an unexpected source...

Things have been a bit hectic around here since Christmas. To be brief about it all, here's what's happened...

*Started teaching part-time with a new institution - at two different schools.
*The Husband has been running like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to keep up with the classes he's teaching and all the extra committees and program development issues for his degree plan.
*The Wee One started preschool and though she has LOVED it, it helped spur a multitude of emotional/developmental adjustments.
*I found out I was pregnant....and then had a missed miscarriage (working on a post specifically related to some things there, but just haven't figured out how to word all of what I want to say).
*Found a house and are in process of buying it - our first house.

So, as you can imagine, it's been kind of crazy around here. The miscarriage in particular has brought a few issues for me and I'm pretty sure that's a major part of what was hitting yesterday.

Yesterday I was dealing with some relatively serious moodiness and really struggling with my mood. As I was driving to teach my morning class, I was praying that God would give me the strength to handle the day and help me alter my mood.

At a couple of points along my route there are homeless people set up with their signs asking for assistance of any kind. If I have any cash on me, I am usually the person who will slow down to pass over a buck or two. I figure I will probably just end up buying a Coke or some other thing I don't need and so I just say a prayer that this small gesture will help the person and pass over the cash. Yesterday, I was the one who was helped.

At the final stop light before the school, I was stopped at the light and there was an older man at the corner. I had some money and so I got it out to give to him. He was a weathered old man with a HUGE smile. I rolled down the window and the first thing he said was, "Good morning sweetheart. Aren't you pretty? Having a good day?"

My mood immediately started getting better.

Since I was at the light and had a minute, we chatted. He asked where I was heading and I asked how he was doing. At one point he said, something (can't remember exactly what it was) that made me respond, "We gotta pray for that, right?"

His response - as he reached out and patted my hand - "Keep praying, honey. God will take care of you."

Then the light turned green, so I said thank you and God Bless (and meant both very much!). This man, who has obviously, for whatever reason, lived a much harder life than I have, was the perfect encouragement to change my day and alter my mood. I was deeply touched and even as I typed this up today, I can feel the warmth that that exchange brought into my life. How wonderful of my God to put this man in my path and how great a testament to His love in how he can use the most unexpected source to show that love and support.

Here's a song that I think of often that I feel fits this situation well...

Being Christian During Christmas

I saw the post below on a Facebook this morning and it got me going. I have blogged about this issue in the past (see Happy Holidays), but as it happens every year, I feel I want to talk about again.

Facebook Post
For all my War on Christmas friends: "If you want to keep Christ in Christmas, worry about things more important than the signs and decorations at JC Penney. You think Christmas should be about Christ? Then take up your cross and follow Jesus – not into department stores, but into the prisons, the hospitals, among the poor and the outcast. You get angry when someone doesn’t say “Christmas?” Try getting angry over Christ’s children dying of malnutrition or AIDS. Try getting angry over the fact that the Christmas chocolate you love so much was kept cheap on the back of the working poor. Try getting angry over the fact that Christians are keeping people out of churches with their closed minds and closed doors."

Let me say, I'm not a "War on Christmas" person, but I do personally like to say Merry Christmas (most of the comments below the post were about this issue). It is a celebration of my faith. That said, I do try to be open to others by saying Happy Holidays when I am out in public or talking with acquaintances or strangers. I do not know their faith or traditions and it is a courtesy I try to extend to them. Do I always get it right? No. However, in no way would I get mad or frustrated with someone for saying Happy Holidays to me instead of Merry Christmas.

There were some responses under this post and they made me so sad/frustrated. One in particular talked about how she had been "reported" to the management at her customer service job because she was saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Really, people? Is that how Christ would want you to behave? What a poor example of Christ.

As Christians this holiday is one of the top 2 for us to celebrate and cherish. This is traditionally known as a season of giving and joy, inspired by the birth of Jesus Christ. When we get caught up in the materialistic aspects we are taking away from the purpose of this holiday. In no way do I suggest you not give or receive gifts, but if you are celebrating the holiday as a Christian, shouldn't it reflect our faith instead of putting a black spot on it with ugly behavior? Demanding that everyone say Merry Christmas to you is not a positive reflection of faith, love, or understanding.

If you are adamant that this should be all about Merry Christmas (regardless of the fact that many other faiths have celebrations during this time of year), consider this idea. Wear a button that says Merry Christmas and when someone says Happy Holidays to you, just go with it. They can see by your button that you believe in Merry Christmas.

In response to the rest of the Facebook post...AMEN! Why do we worry so much about whether everyone on our list is getting exactly what they asked for when so many in our world (and nation) are just hoping for the essentials to live a healthy and safe life? How many people on your Christmas list would be offended if you sent money to a charity instead of buying them a gift? How many of those same people are Christians? How many times have you welcomed a new person at your church? Take that one step farther...how many times have you reached out to a person who you've noticed coming a few times to church. (Each time we move we go "church shopping" and I can't tell you how many churches I've been to where the members don't even say hi when we walk in the door - even if we've visited multiple times.)

So, to wrap up my wordy, ranting response to this issue...maybe it's time for us Christians to start acting truly as Christians and not allow little things like saying Happy Holidays damage our witness to others. Maybe, just maybe...we can even take it to the next level by opening ourselves to issues larger than ourselves and to people truly in need.

This season, I pray that each Christians takes time to let go of the commericalized Christmas we've set up and take some specific time to thank God for sending His Son to us. I pray that we each find ways (big or small) to extend the love we have for Christ with the world around us. I pray that we treat others with the grace and mercy that Christ has treated us with. For any non-Christians who may be reading this, I pray for you too - that you have a blessed holiday season filled with joy.

Christmas time is coming...

I'll admit that Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday so I do not put up decorations, shop, or even bake for Christmas until that day has past. However
...now
...it
...is
...Christmas Time!

We each have specific quirks about how we celebrate this season. Here's a quick Q&A so you can see some of what we do in our house.

1. Colored lights or white lights? As I believe I have mentioned in previous years, The Husband is the Christmas Snob and he only allows white lights to be displayed in or on the home. (Since he is so non-assertive about most of this kind of stuff, I let him have this whim - though I do mock it mercilessly).

2. Do you hang mistletoe? I haven't in years, but it is a tradition I enjoy so maybe I'll work on that one...

3. When do you put your decorations up? Usually sometime the week after Thanksgiving. We really don't have that many decorations so it's a pretty easy ordeal for us.

4. Open gifts on Christmas Eve or wait for Christmas morning? Most years we are at someone else's place for the holiday so we usually follow whatever tradition they do at their place. However, we've been talking about it and we think we should develop some traditions we can take with us wherever we are...and since I've always enjoyed getting to open a small gift on Christmas Eve I'm thinking that is one that will travel.

5. How do you decorate your tree? We are pretty traditional. Obviously, we have white lights and then since The Husband would prefer a perfectly matching tree we somewhat compromise and have the majority of the tree decorated with the State of Texas Capitol collection and the WTAMU collection. There are a few other "approved" ornaments that have been added for memories, but really on a tiny tree like ours, the collection ornaments take up most of the space. We do wrap white pearl beads around the tree and the years when we have bought a bigger tree, we use ribbon as well.

6. Are you dreaming of a white Christmas? Heck yes! I love snow and I particularly love it on Christmas!!!! The first year The Husband & I were dating Amarillo had a record snowfall of 22 inches on Christmas Eve. It was awesome!!!! My car was stuck too much so he came to get me on Christmas evening and we played in all the snow in the park, making giant deer prints and being silly. Anytime I get snow anywhere around Christmas time, I think of that time.

7. What is the most important think about this holiday to you? Celebrating the birth of Jesus and sharing that with my friends and family.

8. Star or angel tree topper? Now we have a small angel, but for several years we used a big bow with the ribbons flowing down.

9. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? Both, but honestly, I love it when I've found something I just know someone will love.

10. Favorite Christmas song? I don't know if I have an all-time favorite. I pretty much love all the traditional carols. The song below was on an old homemade tape my mom had when we were kids. Typically I'm not into this kind of music, but this song always makes me smile for some reason.



How do you celebrate this holiday? If you celebrate something other than Christmas at this time of year, I'd love to hear about your holiday and traditions as well.

I pose a question to you...

I saw this on a friend's Facebook page today and it made me stop for a second. It is an interesting thought. There are large groups of people who support pro-life campaigns, but who would also be the first to condemn homosexuality. It poses an interesting thought to think that the life you are fighting to save may grow up to be something you despise.

In no way am I condemning either side of this issue (either issue actually). I am a strong believer in people's right to have a difference of opinion because I know that these opinions stem from values and who am I to say that your values are less important than mine. However, I do find this question to be interesting because it proposes a value contradiction for many.

How many things in our lives pose value contradictions? If you have ever read First Things First by Stephen Covey you were most likely convicted that you frequently live a life of value contradiction. There are realities of course. In our society, you must have money in order to live. How much money you have and how you live is very relative. However, most of us have to work to have that money. The catch is that the vast majority of us would not say work is the most important thing in our lives. Most of us would say things like our faith, our families, or our friends. But when you get down to reality, how much time and effort do we make for those things that are "most" important to us verses how much time and energy/effort we give to our jobs? We can rationalize it out easily. I work hard at my job to benefit my family. Yeah, yeah...I've said it too and there is some truth in it. However, it still creates a value contradiction for your life.

So, this week/weekend....take a second and think about what value contradictions you have in your life. Are there things you can change to make your values and actions/opinions fit together better?